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Freshmen Engineers: This is the Way Things Are
By Rocko Bonaparte
Having a random conversation with a girl on the quarter mile? Wait two minutes, and some guy will come up to her, put his arm around her, and kiss her on the cheek. He will be wearing sporty adidas pants, and probably an Abercrombie t-shirt. That person is her boyfriend.
If that girl in your nerd classes knows more than you, than she's too stuck up to even like you.
There's some girl hanging out with you and your friends? She's outspoken? And she smiles at you when you talk to her? I'm sorry, my friend. She's a slut.
If some girl in your hall declares, "I hate the men here! They're so stupid," then she never met you because you're so smart. Otherwise, she would have said, "I hate the men here! They're so stupid, except for the engineers, who are too stuck up!"
Learn to play the guitar. Learn to play three Dave Mathew's songs. That way, you'll at least have girls toy with the idea of liking you.
Stop judging a girl with your eyes. The only girl you'll ever get will have her butt and breasts on backwards, and will have a third arm coming out of her ass that she uses to scratch her back. Unless you consider this attractive, rip out your eyes now.
If you need a self-esteem boost, write "Am I attractive?" on a piece of paper and show it to deaf chicks. Actually, you might want to show them the blank side of the paper instead. That'll give you better reactions.
You're too weird for that supermodel down the hall. Remember that they want bigger, more masculine creatures that fit the role of a father figure. So if somebody were to attack her, he would come to her rescue. However, she has no idea what you'd do, and guesses from your behavior that'd you pee on her under the same circumstances.
If you're roommate is a business major, you will catch him sleeping with a girl once this year.
If you're roommate is an art major, you will catch him sleeping with a girl twice this year.
Sexhiled -- to get stuck in the lounge while your roommate screws his girlfriend from back home. Get comfortable with this one.
By spring quarter, there will be three girls in each of your classes. One will not be your type. One will be lesbian. The last one, while pretty, indulges in small talk and is scared of you.
Telling girls on you floor about your mishaps with girls in high schools will elicit all kinds of wonderful sympathy. What it won't do is get you a girlfriend in college. However, if you tell your co-workers at your first co-op your mishaps with girls in college, they'll just think you're a loser.
Fart around girls. What harm can it do?
So a girl on your floor wants to you to meet her friend. "She's just like you." She says. Guess what? You're going to be surprised, and insulted when you meet her. Yes, she's what your friend thinks you are like.
Don't bother asking your engineering professors about girl advice. They have no clue either.
Don't bother asking your engineering friends about girl advice. They have no clue either.
Don't bother asking your girl buddies for girl advice. They have no clue either.
If you have an attractive engineering friend, clench on to him. You can use him in a sneaky "bait and switch" plot at a party. Make sure he is always well-fed and keeps you in his good favor.
You could have the door to you dorm wide open 16 hours of the day, but no girls will come in. At best, your neighbor and roommate will come in. Also, some kid down the hall will creep by and leave as quietly as he came.
Learn to masturbate in the shower.
Nothing is wrong with you if you get dirty thoughts while in church. That's probably the biggest group of girls you've seen all week. Just sit there and pray and the mass will go away, leaving you all by yourself again.
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