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Help Wanted
Here's to all my sophomore buddies who can't find a co-op for this summer. I come from a booming retail and service area, with plenty of crappy jobs for RIT students. Out of courtesy for the student body, I have included some of the postings:
WANTED -- Information Technology student looking for summer internship. Must be willing to learn, motivated, and prepared to succeed. Position entails assembly of small systems of hamburgers. Experience with high-tech grill and deep-frying units preferred. Will be taught how to operate advanced microphone unit in order to place orders from clients remotely. Will work under the management of high school jailbait and the occasional older pedophile. Salary: $5.15/hr. For submission of resume or to answer any questions, contact McDonalds.
I think I have the qualifications covered for the next one. Sorry, but you're going to have to look elsewhere. If you want to trade your co-op for this position, then maybe we can strike a deal.
HELP NEEDED -- Computer engineering major who has just finished second year of their program. Work entails operating a sophisticated digital system that is part of a larger set of accounting systems. Must be able to operate a numeric keypad and handle money. Prospective employee will work in a fast-paced environment full of clients resembling Sophia from the Golden Girls, and the stereotypical redneck. Experience with hunting and fishing accessories desirable. Must be able to handle numbers in the standard decimal system, and read an LCD. Salary: $7.00/hr. For more information, contact Wal-Mart.
LOOKING FOR SUMMER WORK? -- Software engineers needed to handle summer rush of soft wear at your local Abercrombie. Second-year students will be recruited as part of our nerd-to-preppy-wannabe reformation program. Applicants must show an innate knowledge of soft wear and must be able to program the minds of spineless, young customers. Clothes-oriented programming experience is necessary. Java will be served in the break room as an additional benefit. Salary: $6.50/hr. For more information, contact Abercrombie.
LONELY? -- Single, white male computer engineering major at Rochester Institute of Technology looking for outstanding red-headed maiden for an enduring relationship. Likes to talk about weird shit, walk along the beach, and complain about the physics department. Prospective candidates please send resume and cover love letter to rockobonaparte@hotmail.com . . .
. . . Whoops! How did that one get in there? <wink> <wink>
ARE YOU MECHANICALLY-MINDED? -- Mechanical engineer students needed to wind up metal coil all day. A glove will be provided so that the employees' hands will not turn into hamburger meat, but will be yelled at for using it since it reduces productivity. Specific task involves winding up six-foot lengths of metal coil into circles and taping them together, and then throwing into a box. Employees will interact with dried-up mullets on an hourly basis. Benefits include a 401K package that summer employees will never have a chance of getting. Salary: $7.00/hr. Contact: Spankin Higgins Coil Refinery.
Kickass! Below are some jobs for those of you who love to be on your feet all day!
DO YOU HAVE A GREAT ASS? -- Your local restaurant needs waiters and waitresses to attend on older ugly hags. You will take joy in running into old classmates that you had vowed to never talk to ever again. The pay is a low $4.75/hr, but a competitive salary is guaranteed with the $2 in tips you will receive every day. Some time will need to be spent in the back washing dishes as necessary, and sucking up to the boss is mandatory. Contact one of your local mom and pop restaurants for more information.
ATTENTION CLEANROOM TECHNICIANS -- Microelectronic engineer majors with attention to the most discrete details needed to ensure a clean tomorrow. Cleanroom experience necessary, and motivation to wear funny outfits is a plus. Work will include mopping, sweeping, mopping, sweeping, mopping and sweeping. The most discrete spec of dust remaining after a job is immediate termination for firing. The risks are high, but the salary is higher: $6.00/hr. Contact your local janitorial staff for more information.
Wow, RIT will recruit from anywhere now, even from my local newspaper!
GUINEA PIGS DESIRED -- Why stay home for the summer when you can stay in Rochester? Attend classes and evaluate fresh, naïve adjunct professors for most of RIT's courses. Classes will count towards your GPA and an accredited degree at the South Henrietta Institute of Technology. Feel safe in knowing you did your part to crack in the adjuncts. Salary: -$6,000. Apply through the department of registrations, or if you're already a student, simply log onto SIS and register for summer courses.
I know it's hard to go wrong with all the positions I included above, but here's a final alternative that you may take comfort in:
HELP WANTED -- Tired of working for the man?
Stupid retail labor got you down? Well, fret no further. Help is here!
Position includes sleeping all morning and half of the afternoon, hanging
out with friends. Lack of cleanliness is desired. Gain plenty of experience
in what is hip by watching TV for ten straight hours. Salary: $0.00. Please
contact the Inconspicuous Can of Beer for more information.
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