Home

  Site News

Personal

  About me

  Pictures

Professional

  School

  Work

  Resume (PDF)

Hobbies

  Cooking

  OFP

  Programming

Writing

  Old GDT Articles

  Published

Links

Contact

How to Write a Letter

Rocko Bonaparte

Address letter to the highest level of authority. Do not bother with middle-level liaisons. Most of the time this will be Al Simone.

No research can be done to back the claims. Introduce facts with "I can't be sure, but . . . "

Do not make an effort to understand the larger issue, let alone protest it.

In the closing paragraph, always make a reference to Al Simone's commitment to student retention rates. This point must be overused until it becomes a worthless cliché.

Dear Al Simone:

I protest them there parking permit thingie that you'z instituted awhile ago. I'm a one-and-a-half-year Custodial Engineering major who has to commune to RIT every day from home cuz' I'ze couldn't afford to leave Rottenchester. It stink to half to walk three minute to class to get to class every day, when I don't skip. I can't be sure, but 90 parcent of the students agree bout' da'; parking problem. This campus be getting bigger, why do the parking spaces not get bigger with it? I'ze sure Al Simone will considar it cuz' dis'; iz'; 1 of da reasons thems there retention be the so low. That and the deathe people. Boy I'ze sure hates them deathes people.

Love,

Smackin Higgins

Speaking of the "deathe" people, even you too can have a spot in The Reporter with a letter like this:

Dear Reporter:

How I hate those damn deaf people! They grunt and grumble and make me uncomfortable. I feel like they're conspiring against me with the way they flap them there arms and all. And how come all the chicks here are deaf? It just plain sucks. And why do they need an interpreter during my classes? Why can't they just come in and read their lips or something? Why bother having them come to class at all. I can't be sure, but I'd bet only .001% of the campus is made up of death people. Why should we cater to their every whim with such a low ratio? I'm sure if Al Simone seriously stands by his commitment to student retention, he'll quickly eliminate NTID so xenophobes like me can live a peaceful life without culture shock.

Sincerely,

Mr. Plays His Music Loud

And if any of this offends, why not write a letter just like the following to GDT:

Dear GDT:

You can suck my pebble-sized nuts. How dare you make a mockery of the occasional lazy commuter and deaf-hater? They're people just like the rest of us, and we need to respect their opinion. You people violate appropriate student conduct as given by the RIT guidelines by writing your scathing articles. I can't be sure, but everybody here hates you guys. Hates hates hates hates hates hates hates hates all of you. Please remove your backbones from this campus at once! Your removal from campus will severely boost Al Simone's retention rate.

Love,

Can't Understand Satire

The reason letters are such an acceptable medium by the administration is because they are so easy to throw out. No need for confrontation, no need for response. Just toss those little letters into the gutter. But at least you can feel like you did your part. I encourage everybody to write more letters to the administration and publications on campus. I would really love it if somebody would write me some hate mail according to these specifications I have provided. Don't forget to mention student retention rates! Send all letters to rockobonaparte@hotmail.com

P.S. Love poetry from deaf girls encouraged.

Return to GDT Index