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The Inconspicuous Can of Satan

By Rocko Bonaparte

I was looking forward to getting some hate mail at my e-mail address, but none ever showed up. So I thought everybody loved me, but noooo, there's all these love letters I didn't get a chance to see until a few days before they were published. So lemme take a swing at bat:

Dear Daniel:

Perhaps understanding was not quite what I meant. Sure, God is an all-knowing God, but according to Exodus 20:5, he is also a jealous God. Anybody who goes to this campus has suffered a fate worse than being turned into a pillar of salt, for we have been smitten for the misdoings of either ourselves or our families. So, God sure understands us, but does he understand us? The Inconspicuous Can of Beer, on the other hand, sympathizes with our plight and makes us welcome in his home.

Dear Andrew Gill, faithful comrade:

It is uncertain if the Inconspicuous Can of Beer has a soul, but he sure has spirit!

Dear Sean J. Stanly, comrade?:

Wine is the blood of Jesus, but I wouldn't claim The Inconspicuous Can of Beer to be God as a result. Somehow, I feel empty thinking the light at the end of the tunnel is a Budweiser. Consulting with "St. Anselm's Ontological Argument" (http://members.aol.com/plweiss1/anselm.htm), I got the following for the proof:

1) God is defined as the being in which none greater is possible.
2) It is true that the notion of God exists in the understanding (your mind.)
3) And that God may exist in reality (God is a possible being.)
4) If God only exists in the mind, and may have existed, then God might have been greater than He is.
5) Then, God might have been greater than He is (if He existed in reality.)
6) Therefore, God is a being which a greater is possible.
7) This is not possible, for God is a being in which a greater is impossible.
8) Therefore God exists in reality as well as the mind.

So here I submit a different proof (BTW -- somehow I think the "spirit" pun is too much of a fastball for most readers):

1) [Beer] is defined as the [spirit] in which none greater is possible.
2) It is true that the notion of [Beer] exists in the understanding (your mind.)
3) And that [Beer] may exist in reality ([Beer] is a possible being.)
4) If [Beer] only exists in the mind, and may have existed, then [Beer] might have been greater than [It] is.
5) Then, [Beer] might have been greater than [Beer] is (if [Beer] existed in reality.)
6) Therefore, [Beer] is a being which a greater is possible.
7) This is not possible, for [Beer] is a being in which a greater is impossible.
8) Therefore [Beer] exists in reality as well as the mind.

I got a C in Discrete Mathematics (curses, one of the few courses dragging my GPA down. No co-op for me this summer!) Ahh what the hell, let's prove that beer understands more about this campus than God, using mathematical induction:

Base steps:

There exists one can of beer such that it has brought a greater sense of fulfillment than a higher power. Furthermore, it is related to another beer on the RIT campus that has also brought a greater sense of fulfillment than that of a higher power.

Inductive step:

Hence the nth + 1 beer in the series has also brought more fulfillment than that of a higher power. Now, there exists a can of beer at RIT such that it is the Inconspicuous Can of Beer. As the Inconspicuous Can of Beer was present when one of the "fulfilling" cans of beer mentioned above was consumed, then it holds that the Inconspicuous Can of Beer has also brought a greater sense of fulfillment. So there's the debate, was the Inconspicuous Can of Beer present (and hence related) to another great beer? Well, the Inconspicuous Can of Beer does through parties, so I figure there was one. You be the judge.

Still questioning that C in discrete? Probably should have been an F.

OK, so it's true God is more powerful than the Inconspicuous Can of Beer. Do you want God to be class president? Don't answer, please.

And as for my tenure in hell, Jesus will have to stand in line to sodomize my ass. The physics department currently holds the honors, and doesn't seem intent on letting up on it anytime soon.

To any other naysayers -- If you would like to discuss this further, meet me after the 7PM Sunday mass at the interfaith center, of which I regularly attend. Perhaps I'll be the one that shakes your hand saying, "Peace be to you."

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