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TIME AND SCENE: The government mansion of Thelma. It is the night following the end of pro-Confederate flag demonstrations in the town square. Demonstrations turned to riot, fighting ensues, resulting in the deaths of Oedipus' remain sons: Eteocles and Polynices. They kill each other during a fight. Robert Crayon becomes governor of Thelma after Eteocles' demise.

Enter Antigone through main door, motioning to Ismene, who follows cautiously. They walk to a table at center stage.

Antigone: My dear God! When will this family curse ever stop? And to make things worse, the governor's first executive order.

Ismene: What happened?

Antigone: You always were the slow one, weren't you? Our most-favored Fuhrer, Robert Crayon, has declared that Polynices is to be left dead in the town square as he was found.

Ismene: He isn't going to be buried?

Antigone: No, he isn't going to be buried. The last wishes of a dying man will not be fulfilled. Years ago he told me that if anything were to ever happen to him, that he was to be buried properly.

Ismene: Properly?

Antigone: Yes, wrapped in the American Flag. But I refuse to obey Crayon's foolish rules. The dogs are already chewing on Polynices' thighs, and the smell is unbearable. So, what's it going to be?

Ismene: Who, me?

Antigone: Yes, you. Who else would I be talking to? I don't see anybody else here. Are you going to give me a hand?

Ismene: What would happen if I did?

Antigone: Crayon, being the governor, will order us to be stoned to death.

Ismene: That's a lot of marijuana.

Antigone: Idiot! We're to be stoned to death by rocks!

Ismene: That's a lot of crack.

Antigone: Oh, Jesus! Fine, be that way. I'll wrap him up in the stars and stripes by myself. And then I'll get killed. I don't care -- my fate was sealed when everybody found out I was an inbred. Just look at what it did to you!

Ismene: What did to me?

Antigone: Nevermind, it's useless. I'm going to die, but before you know it, we'll meet again.

Ismene: You're going to die! Please don't die! You're my only sister…

Antigone: Were you paying attention? I'm going to bury Polynices and then get executed.

Ismene: But I thought you said you were going to get stoned . . .

Antigone: Oh, forget it! If anybody asks, tell them. This is not a secret. I am proud to bury my own brother. It is the right thing to do.

Ismene: You shouldn't be proud, Antigone. It's a tragic flaw.

Antigone: Indeed it is, and now you know. [Hugging Ismene] I shall see you on the other side when this is all over. Take care of yourself, Ismene. [Antigone exits stage right]

Ismene: [waving until she leaves, then speaks] Bye? [Ismene exits stage left]

Sunlight begins to peer through the windows. The Chorus enters through the main entrance and talk amongst themselves. They stop as the leader enters.

Leader: Good morning, everybody. It is such a beautiful day.

Chorus: Indeed, indeed, a beautiful day. It's like the calm after the storm. No more demonstrators, no more bloodshed. Thelma is back to being a humble, beautiful town. It is as beautiful as this day.

Leader: But with the sun comes heat, and there's nothing like hot air to make a corpse smell.

Chorus: It's regrettable that the demonstrations turned violent. Eteocles, and Polynices, enraged in the moment, shoved their pickets into each other. The paramedics could not reach them in time, and they died by each other's hands. The news claims Eteocles was the hero for saving us from the ravages of the Union.

Leader: But we all know the Civil War ended years ago.

Chorus: But the spirit lives on, in Thelma, where we shine our Confederate Flags with pride! Why must those meddling college kids from the north come down here to tell us we cannot keep our flag?

Leader: But we shouldn't be proud. It's a tragic flaw.

Chorus: It's all Oedipus' fault. He could have had the decency to keep the eyes in his head. Now we all have to suffer, and suffer, and suffer. His sons and daughters are also forced to suffer.

Leader: Antigone used to be a happy girl while her mother was alive . . .

Chorus: wasn't she her grandmother . . . or was it her aunt? I don't remember.

Leader: But after daddy (or "big brother" as we used to call him) died, she become so sorrowful.

Chorus: At least she has Hammond, so it's a shame to see her suffer so.

Leader: And speaking of shame, here comes Crayon.

[Crayon enters stage left with guard]

Crayon: Good morning gentlemen! The worst is over, and now I'm here to lead. A true measure of a man's crotch is his ability to rule over a spineless mass of people. The greatest dictators of the world were all men. And I shall dictate in Thelma with all the lack of virtues that make for a good ruler. Such is necessary in a time of need. I have already calmed the town with my decree. To Eteocles, a lavish funeral. To Polynices, nothing but rot. We shall all feel contempt by the smell of his rotting corpse and remember the shame he brought onto this town because of it. The citizens of Thelma respect the Confederate Flag as a banner of southern pride. A bunch of washed-up college students cannot come to town and tell us how to do things! With Polynices at the lead, no less! There is already a keen sense of justice being served. God, don't I feel proud.

Leader: You shouldn't be proud. It's a tragic flaw.

Crayon: But anyhow, I assemble you dignified and experienced folks today for a special mission. Make sure of it that none of your families bury this man. Let him rot until there's nothing but his skeleton left. And make sure that he is never buried with the Stars and Stripes around him!

Chorus: As you say it, it shall be done. We are but spineless worms that squish in your hands.

Crayon: Good, and remember that all offenders shall be executed, and then tortured.

[A rent-a-cop waddles quickly in from stage right, short of breath]

Rent-a-cop: My governor! Don't think I'm out of breath because I'm fat. There were many times were I just wanted to turn around and go away without delivering the news. I know I'm walking straight to my doom with this news, and I keep asking myself, "Is it worth it?" But then I realized that I would be in even more trouble if somebody else got the news to you first. So I mulled it over, and trudged my way over here. But please don't beat the crap out of me, whatever you do . . .

Crayon: Get on with it!

Rent-a-cop: Just as a disclaimer. I didn't do it.

Crayon: Do what?

Rent-a-cop: The bad thing.

Crayon: What is the bad thing? I won't beat the crap out of you.

Rent-a-cop: Um, OK, good. We found Polynices wrapped in the Stars and Stripes this morning. It was in a casket, right where he had died. Even more interesting was that it was buried six feet into the ground. It took us a few minutes to find it under all the dirt.

Crayon: What the hell are you talking about?

Rent-a-cop: There is no casket marks or pieces of United States flag to give a clue. No marks of a shovel were there. Nor were there footprints of any kind. Even the grass was undisturbed.

Leader: Maybe the United States Government buried him in the night.

Crayon: Bullshit! What are you, senile? This is clearly a conspiracy of Communists hell-bent on undermining my authority. [To Rent-a-cop] How much did they pay you?

Rent-a-cop: I was paid nothing!

Crayon: You sure weren't paid enough!

Rent-a-cop: But I didn't do it! None of us on watch there had anything to do with it. I swear on my grave!

Chorus: My God, he swore on his grave!

Crayon: Well, then maybe he does tell the truth. OK, fine, get out of my face, but on one condition. If you don't find the subversives that did this, then you'll be the Communist I'll slaughter tonight!

[rent-a-cop exits stage right]

Crayon: I swear, wherever there is power, there will be a Communist to undermine it. I govern Thelma with a compassionate conservative system. It is just, and best of all, it gives results! I will not let them violate the laws of the land. Purity of essence, gentlemen! [Crayon exits through main entrance]

Chorus: Oh, brave new world. The man of law keeps control. The man of Communism means to break it. Why is the world so bipolar?

[Enter Antigone, accompanied by Rent-a-cop from stage right]

Chorus: But what is this? Being inbred is not a crime, how come the Rent-a-cop drags Antigone in so dispassionately?

[Crayon enters from main entrance]

Chorus: Oh my, this is going to get ugly in just a minute.

Crayon: What's the meaning of this?

Rent-a-cop: It was her, I swear it was!

Crayon: You lie. Did the Communists pay you to haul her in as the culprit? You should be ashamed!

Rent-a-cop: She is the one at fault! Upon my return, we ripped the body out of the flag and tossed it back on the ground. We waited in hiding within the Dunkin' Donuts, drinking coffee to make sure we wouldn't fall asleep. Soon a terrible dustbowl shook the building, and we couldn't see anything. It snapped the twigs off of the trees. When it was done, there she was, crying over the body. In her hands she was carrying an American flag! I swear on my grave!

Leader: He swore on his grave again! This must be serious!

Crayon: Indeed! [to Antigone] And what do you have to say to this?

Antigone: Hell yeah I did it! Both times!

Crayon: Oh Jesus! [to Rent-a-cop] Fine, get out of my face. I'll deal with her for the moment.

Antigone: And I'd do it again if I had to!

Crayon: Oh, shut up. Do you mean to undermine the laws of Thelma, you Communist!

Antigone: I am no Communist! I mean to fulfill the dying wishes of my brother.

Crayon: Your brother was a Communist bastard from a college up North there. Why should his death wishes be honored. It would be a shame to Eteocles.

Antigone: It is only up to me how to honor my dead family. They are all just as important to me. And all should be put in the ground when they're dead.

Crayon: That is weak. Why don't you just admit you're a little Anarchist?

Chorus: Anarchy was always a woman.

Antigone: I'm an Anarchist as much as you're a Liberal.

Crayon: Liberal! Me? You dare defy me, the father of Hammond?

Antigone: I defy what is unjust. And what is unjust is having my dead brother stinking up Thelma in some vain attempt to keep its citizens in line! I object to my lineage being used as deterrence.

Crayon: But you're lineage is such a great deterrence [rent-a-cops enter from stage left, escorting Ismene]. Just look at Ismene here. People walk down the street, and upon seeing her, exclaim, "Please! May my family never inbreed!"

Ismene: Hi Antigone! Is this that "other side" you were talking about earlier?

Crayon: So it is true that Ismene helped you as well!

Antigone: She did not, [to Ismene] because she is such a wuss!

Ismene: I don't know what I say! I'm inbred! I swear on my grave!

Leader: Now she swears on her grave. Even from an inbred, that is very important.

Crayon: Then it's settled. Antigone did this alone, and she shall suffer. And to think my son had a crush on you. How yucky!

Antigone: Oh, just stick a fork in me and get it over with. I don't need to listen to this.

Crayon: In due time, my pet, in due time. Guards, string her up in the cellar!

[Guards leave with Antigone and Ismene, stage right]

Chorus: Antigone was passionate in her words. She seems genuine in wanting to bury her brother. It is not for the sake of breaking the law that she does it. Deep down inside, she probably even respects Crayon.

Crayon: Nonsense! She's a Communist, and a female Communist at that! I won't be taking orders on how to handle the laws of this country from such a dastardly lot!

[Enter Hammond from main entrance]

Chorus: Oh my, this is getting even worse! Here comes Hammond, Antigone's true love. If things had turned out better, they would be getting married right now. He's probably ticked off.

Crayon: Guess we'll see soon enough. Hammond, my boy! How do you do?

Hammond: Dad, you are my father, and whatever you say, I must comply.

Crayon: Now that's a good boy. Remember that you are to do whatever I tell you until I die, so that you will grow up not being able to think for yourself. That's what makes for good sons. But the son who stands up for what he believes in, in defiance to the law, is a Communist! And a son who sleeps on the bottom with a Communist is no son of mine! We cannot let a woman live over us!

Leader: That's so good old antebellum morals you're instilling on the boy. He'll make for a good Confederate.

Hammond: Father, it is true that I do as you say, and that I am unable to think for myself. To you I thank for that, but I can't help but hear what some of the townspeople say. I hear it in murmur: "It is good that Antigone buried Polynices," "Yes, he was getting really skanky," "I hope Crayon doesn't do her in for sanitizing the town square." So I don't speak for myself, but I speak for the citizens. Please reconsider your decision. Public opinion is slowly falling to Antigone's side.

Leader: He's spoken to the point, and it makes a lot of sense. It's starting to get warm outside, and that body really is starting to stink. I can almost smell it from here.

Crayon: Nonsense! You too, have succumbed to the evils of Communism! My own son, how could it be? Since when is the whole town of Thelma going to tell me how to rule?

Hammond: It's no town if it's owned and run by one man alone.

Crayon: What? This city is my jurisdiction, is it not? That is the law! Why should I listen to the citizens?

Hammond: What a great governor you are of this banana republic.

Crayon: [to chorus] This kid seems to be batting for the wrong team.

Hammond: No, I'm taking one for the team. You're in it only for yourself. Don't worry about me, I'll just go off and join a commune or something, if that's what you want. I'm proud to be defending the views of Thelma. [Hammond turns around defiantly and begins to leave]

Leader [to Hammond as he leaves]: You shouldn't be proud. It's a tragic flaw.

[to Crayon] And you, what fate do you have in mind for Antigone?

Crayon: I will take her far away from here, where she can't corrupt Thelma with her Communism. I think I'll sell her to the circus. She'll make a great addition to the freak show.

Chorus: Love is such a strange thing. People will do anything for the sake of it. Antigone will die for the love of a brother. Hammond will die for the love of Antigone. But who will die out of love for Hammond? And who will die out of love for the one who dies out of love for Hammond? Love is messed up like that. We'll soon see what it has in mind for us.

[Antigone enters under guard of rent-a-cops]

Antigone: Oh what a wasted life is mine! To die a martyr, without ever getting laid.

Leader: For that they might make you a saint.

Antigone: But I never wanted to be a saint. I wanted to make little inbred babies with Hammond. That and have a decent funeral for my family. But I suppose I can't have my cake and eat it too.

Crayon: You babble too much. Off to the circus with you!

Chorus: Poor girl, who just wanted to bury her family and get laid. For a circus freak, she sure seemed like a normal girl, not the kind of Communist we're being forced to believe.

Antigone: Maybe I will find a life for myself in the circus. Whatever way it will be, it will be much better than living in a miserable place like Thelma.

[Antigone and rent-a-cops exit stage right]

Crayon [to the leaving Antigone]: And take your American flag with you!

[Tiresias enters stage left, escorted by a boy]

Chorus: These are trying times indeed. Antigone is going to the circus, Hammond's hormones are ready to burst, and Polynices' dead body is still out in the open to cause havoc with the respiratory systems of all of Thelma's citizens! You know it's bad when Tiresias comes into the picture.

Crayon: Ahh, Tiresias, now here's a wise man. What news do you bring me?

Tiresias: Bad news, bud. This morning while trying to shake my magic eight ball, I was thoroughly frustrated. You see, it kept telling me to shake again, which it never does. I'm a good consultant, and I take pride in my craft . . .

Leader: You shouldn't be proud. It's a tragic flaw.

Tiresias: . . . but when the magic eight ball stops working, I know somebody's in deep shit.

Crayon: So, what does this mean? Why do you come to me? Do you need another magic eight ball?

Tiresias: Well, yes, but I think I figured out why. While walking over here, and you know I'm blind and all, I couldn't help but smell Polynices in the town square. I think his stench nullified my magic eight ball!

Crayon: Oh, now I got this nut on my hands? You'll even take bribes from Communists in order to persuade me how to rule? This is all rubbish. You need to have you head examined.

Tiresias: No, you're the one in need, my man. The last time my magic eight ball didn't work was when Oedipus found out he was making love to his mother. The resulting mass murders made quite a mess in the mansion. So I'm here to tell you that there's going to be some more mass murders. It's going to suck.

Crayon: What the hell is this? You and your magic eight ball are full of crap!

Tiresias: I don't have to listen to this. I'm just an old, blind political consultant. But I have never been wrong, for that I swear on my grave.

Leader: Oh my! It gets worse!

Crayon: Oh no, the old man swears on his grave. This is terrible. Gentlemen, what do you think I should do?

Chorus: Public opinion has won this one. You should bury that body, once and for all, and save Antigone from a job as a circus freak.

Crayon: Oh but I'm such a stubborn ass. It's hard to change your mind, especially when everybody is going against you. But I give in. I will show that I am truly a compassionate conservative. [to Rent-a-cops in room] Sirs, we shall set out at once and rectify the situation.

[Crayon leaves with all guards]

Chorus: Finally, some sense in all this madness! The world is a wonderful place after all. The smell of the rotting corpse is going away already. These are great times we live in. Antigone shall be saved, and married to Hammond after all. Crayon will live to be a compassionate conservative. All will be well. My, we are proud to be citizens of Thelma!

Leader: You shouldn't be proud. It's a tragic flaw.

Chorus: But everything has turned all peachy keen.

Leader: But remember this is a tragedy.

Chorus: Tragedy has become overused. Politicians call everything a tragedy nowadays, even without anybody committing suicide! It's such an abuse of the term. Shouldn't they use "travesty?" Besides, the whole idea has become a cliché. Everybody loves action movies and romantic comedies anyhow.

[Enter mailman from stage left]

Leader: What's this? It's not time for mail yet. This must be a delivery!

Mailman: I carry a message in a red envelope. That means it is bad.

Leader: What is it?

Mailman: I am not privy to say. It's against the law for me to open it.

Chorus: Then we must get Eurydice, Crayon's wife to open it.

[Eurydice enters from center entrance]

Eurydice: Did somebody call for me?

Mailman: Yes, I need somebody from the Crayon family to accept this envelope.

Eurydice: Ahh, I can do it. Since Crayon became governor, I have felt so important. It makes me proud to be his husband.

Leader: You shouldn't be proud. It's a tragic flaw.

Mailman: Indeed it is. I've always been proud to work for the Postal Service. It's a great, strong institution. And I get to meet all kinds of interesting people. But I digress. Ma'am, I have to warn you that it's a red envelope. [gives envelope to Eurydice]

Eurydice: Oh well, take the good with the bad. How bad can it be?

Tiresias: Pretty bad.

Eurydice: Hush, old man.

[Eurydice begins to read note]

Eurydice: It is unfortunate for me to inform of this news. As Antigone was being sent to the circus, Hammond came to her side. Their meeting was just as grief-stricken as it was heartening. The circus manager wanted to make her the bearded lady. Struck with grief, Antigone pulled a noose from her pocket and hung herself from her own hand. Soon thereafter, Crayon arrived to free Antigone from her sentence, only to find her dead on the ground. Hammond was holding her limp body in his arms. An argument ensued, and Hammond drew his Colt .45 and fired at his father in anger. No bullets hit, and in a fit of grief and humiliation, Hammond pulled a noose from his pocket and hung himself by his own hand.

Tiresias: I told him so!

Chorus: Oh, what a terrible thing! The world is cruel.

[Enter Crayon with a procession of Rent-a-cops from stage right. They are carrying Hammond with them. He still tightly holds the cord to the noose around his neck, frozen dead into that position. They put Hammond onto the ground and the rent-a-cops leave stage right]

Crayon: This is terrible! I could not save them in time. I knew the circus was too cruel a punishment, even for an inbred! My only son, dead by his own hand.

Eurydice: Oh my God! Is that Hammond! What happened?

Tiresias: Fool! Did you not just read the note?

Eurydice: Hammond, what happened to you?

Leader: He's dead, my lady. He killed himself in grief of Antigone's fate.

Eurydice: Antigone's dead too? They were supposed to get married! I can't handle this!

[Eurydice produces a noose and wraps it around her neck]

Crayon: My dear wife! Please do not add to my agony! We can make another Hammond. I am still fertile!

[Eurydice pulls on the noose, and keels over, dead]

Leader: And with that, Eurydice bites the dust. Poor woman!

Crayon: Not you too! I have nothing left! My only son is dead. My wife is dead. All this for a stupid law I made up just to feel powerful. I don't deserve to rule Thelma. [pulls noose from pocket and hangs himself on the spot. He tilts over dead.]

Leader: Oh no! Our governor has been killed! The town is doomed! [Leader pulls noose from pocket and hangs himself. Everybody in Chorus then pulls a noose from their pockets and they hang themselves simultaneously].

Tiresias: What a shame! And I could do nothing to stop this! I have learned that my magic eight ball is useless unless I can convince my clients of their ill fates before tragedy strikes. I have done a grave disservice to Thelma [pulls noose from pocket and hangs himself.]

[only the boy remains alive on stage. Everybody else is dead on the stage.]

Boy: And they lived happily ever after. The end.