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Rocko Bonaparte (RockoBonaparte@hotmail.com)
Elections for student government are upon us, and it's getting a little intense. People have been spotted actually wandering around with signs in support of one person or another (how drastic!). The online voting system has also made it easy to vote for the president and vice president. But whom are you really voting for? Do you know anything about any of these people? We're in college now, and it's trendy to be part of some alternative political organization. So which of the candidates is your alternative candidate?
I'd suggest that none of them are. We need a candidate that has a fresh view of things, has a great understanding of the students and the campus, is reliable, and won't just disappear into a meeting every Friday, with the results at best only occasionally making it as far as The Reporter. Looking at the ballot for this year, I choose none of the above. My nomination for president goes to . . . the Inconspicuous Can of Beer.
The Iconspicuous Can of Beer (ICOB, or better known as "Beer") always has a fresh view on things. Well, Beer tends a to be a little uncoordinated, but he says the most imaginative things on the weekends. He's wild through the whole evening, and then he's real philosophical by the end of the night, right before he passes out. Beer has also come up with great ways to pass the time. Many of these activities involve funnels, ping-pong balls, television shows or movies, cats, and midgets. And wherever you find Beer, there always is loud music. He plays his music so loud it causes the inside of his neighbor's ass to rattle. What an animal! He even graces the deaf with the loudness of his music!
The Inconspicuous Can of Beer knows more about the students and this campus than God Himself. Beer has heard all of our good fortunes, all of our misfortunes, and everything in between. He has heard us complain without end about this place and its administration. He's heard all the truths and all the rumors. Unfortunately, Beer doesn't know too much about the education here. People never talk to him much about what they study here. It is unknown what Beer studies, if he studies anything. But is that a requirement for being a good President? Beer seems to have his act together. He has all kinds of great advice to provide on how to score. He is also accessible to people from off-campus, including other campuses. Did you see what Beer did at the University of Rochester last weekend? Simply incredible. I'd vote for Beer just to be my ambassador. If everybody thought of RIT because of Beer, the world would be a better place. Maybe Beer could even usher in an era of World Peace. He sure the hell is trying.
He is also reliable -- Always there when you need him. If he can't do that job, he can always call upon his friends, the Inconspicuous Bottle of Licquor (IBOL, or better known as "Licquor"), and the Inconspicuous Bag of Marijuana (IBOM, or better known as "Marijuana"). Whenever you have a problem, Beer will be there. If he can't do the job, then it's time for his other friends. Beer doesn't care either way. Maybe he's a little too passive -- Beer has been known to stay neglected in the closet for a week, but remains ever-patient. But all that means is he's kind to a fault, but RIT's one chick loves that.
Well, maybe he isn't that kind. The only gripe I have against our friend, the Inconspicuous Can of Beer, is that he is a little hot-tempered. When he gets warm, man, things get ugly. But as long as you keep him cool, everything will be all right.
So, hey, we don't even need a Vice-President. Well,
maybe one of you will nominate one of Beer's friends for that too. I hear
IBOM makes for a great vice. Beer will never step down in the face of the
administration. He'll stay through to the last, and he'll be here even
when all of us leave. With such dedication to RIT, how can one go wrong
by voting for Beer? Go ahead, vote with your feet. Vote them straight to
Beer's place, for great justice!
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