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RIT Takes Action Against "Pleasant Weather"

RIT administrators have been faced with a new problem on the campus. Due to the warm weather, students are wandering about outside, frolicking, and generally showing signs that would make one believe RIT was an actual college campus. Occasionally, there are reports that a student has conducted a conversation with a stranger, or "hung out" in a "group" on this campus. The reason for alarm is because reports of these activities have been flooding RIT's offices in astronomical proportions over the past few days.

"I saw a girl walking on the quarter mile," says Gary Bizatch, first-year Software Engineering student, "and I told her I thought she was cute. Now I'm going out with her!"

In fact, there have been numerous sightings of women wearing "revealing" clothing, such as skirts and sandals -- a sight rarely seen on campus. To verify this, girls were randomly surveyed along the quarter mile. All girls that were questioned stated they actually attend RIT, and were not just some ravenous wenches from MCCC.

To combat this problem, Al Simone has begun a serious initiative. The minds of Lee Ioccoca (famous for how he used to manage Chrysler) and Lou Gerstner (also known to IBM employees as the "Cookie Monster") have been recruited as part of his corporate think-tank.

"These students should only view the outside world through the windows." Lee Ioccoca stated. The Cookie Monster added, "Yes, why aren't these kids playing Counterstrike or Quake right now?"

Here is a rough draft of some of the things these great minds have come up with:

All groups of more than one person encountered outside on any given warm, clear day (50 degrees Faranheit by Rochester standards) will be forced to disperse through tear gas attacks from the many sniping positions developed into campus' buildings.

The only skin that may be revealed in public is the face, neck, and arms going from the fingers up to the elbows. A nun from a local Catholic school will be brought in to enforce the policy.

100,000lbs of snow will be imported from Canada and randomly dumped along campus, in order to preserve the "traditional" RIT feel.

A mandatory curfew of 10PM will be instituted on campus. All offenders of the curfew will be forced to attend the Total Fitness and Wellness classes.

The Town of Henrietta Fire Department will be called in to spray the campus in a constant stream of water in order to simulate rain. This will have a second plus in that it will prevent apartment tenants from burning their water and causing unnecessary fire alarms.

In anticipation of restoring the winter look and feel, the heating within all buildings will be increased. It seems that this plan has already taken affect.

To deter students from standing out on the quarter mile, artisans will be brought in to chalk the walkway with propaganda from a [hopefully] fictitious RIT sado-masochism club. They will also chalk the outside of the student-alumni union. These messages will conveniently disappear during visitation days, with the help of water from the aforementioned fire department.

As another deterrence from standing outside, another port-an-academic-building will be purchased from Sears and placed at the end of the quarter mile. It will be known as the "IBM/Chrystler School of Custodial Engineering."

(As an expense for hiring Ioccoca and the Cookie Monster) only IBM-made PC's will be allowed in the computer labs, and only Chrystler vehicles will be permitted to park on-campus.

As a side note, rumors abound that the weather machine located on top of Ellingston hall has gone haywire due to the renovation project. For the uninitiated, this weather machine is used to force clear, warm, sunny days upon the campus. Due to the amount of power it consumes, it is only used during visitation days to lull prospective students to attend RIT. The recent beautiful weather may have something to do with this. Al Simone would not admit to the existence of this weather machine, but did concur that there have been visitation days lately.

"What can I say?" Simone stated, "It's sheer luck."

However, there was a report that a group of students saw the machine in action while they were walking home from a drinking party. They claimed it shot a line of energy into the sky, causing the sky to light up and begin to part. Before their names could be acquired, Campus Safety arrived and took the group away, most likely due to their consumption of alcohol on-campus. You be the judge.