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Afghanistan -- Update

Afghanistan -- Update

By Rocko Bonaparte

While most Americans have not severed ties with their television sets, most have shunned away from the news coverage on US involvement in Afghanistan. There is excessive useless material circulating around the television media about the vents. Needless to say, we can't blame you for not caring much anymore. However, this is history in the making, and one should pay attention to the noteworthy events.

Many of you are probably wondering why we just don't run into Afghanistan with a huge ground force and knock the place up? To give you an idea as to why, here is a rough map of Afghanistan:


 


 
 

It should be obvious how the Soviet Army was worn down in their decade-long occupation of the country. As you can see, the landscape of Afghanistan has a repulsive odor. So repulsive, in fact, that the United States barely tempts to even fly over it. That is why actions in Afghanistan are currently limited to air attacks, and many of these are at high altitudes. Special forces are wandering about on the ground, but these people have been conditioned to feel no pain. Kind of like being drunk, except that these units preserve their coordination. This should also explain the usage of cruise missiles and unmanned aircraft. Electronic delivery systems have no noses to cause problems for the military. They will continue to be effective in Afghanistan's hostile terrain.

There are also numerous humanitarian missions under way. Planes drop food to starving refugees on a daily basis. It was decided that these operations are not doing enough, and the scope of humanitarian airdrops will be widened. The Taliban front lines restrict troops from having pictures of any women close by. Subsequently, airdrops within the next few days will reach these areas with fresh pornography. These beleaguered troops will also enjoy food rations from the sky that contain numerous pork products. Each ration comes complete with instructions on how to ram the contents up their ass.

As part of the psy-ops operations, the main radio transmitter for the Taliban was targeted and destroyed. CIA aircraft now transmit messages to the Afghan people across this frequency. Broadcasts alternate between Frank Yankovic's "Milwaukee Polka" and the following message:

We have not come here to harm you. We have come to arrest Osama bin Laden, Al Qaeda, and those who support him. Please keep in mind that there is a $5,000,000 reward for any information leading to Osama bin Laden's capture. In the meantime, please enjoy our wonderful music.

And then the Milwaukee Polka resumes.

As a response to the Anthrax attacks, special airdrops are being set for possible Al Qaeda-related sites. Wholesome wheat will be dropped near these sites. The bread produced from this wheat will contain digestive anthrax spores. If this fails, each wheat drop also comes complete with instructions on how to ram the contents up their ass.

The Taliban has accused the United States and its allies of deliberately targeting innocent civilians in a battle against Islam. A representative from the British military commented, "If you call a bloody convoy of men wielding AK-74's 'civilians,' then we're guilty as charged." A US Army representative responded to the Taliban, "Have you tried our great, wholesome wheat yet?"

So that sums up recent events in Afghanistan. We'll keep you posted as more ground-breaking news occurs. Ground-breaking news includes bombs, obviously because they break the ground. And remember, don't trust your news with anyone else.

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