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No Cooperation from Co-op Employers
By Rocko Bonaparte
RIT students who have recently begun looking for co-ops have found themselves in a harrowing situation. Students have found companies visiting campus are simply not hiring. The question left on everybody's mind is "Why are they visiting then?"
The answer, according to Bill Lumbergh when he visited as an INITECH representative was, "Yes, well… we're trying to … um, maintain a positive corporate image." The truth is companies continue to come to campuses to instill a false sense of confidence in their own employees. This way, the employees feel the company is doing good, even though they're sacking people left and right. "The collapse of the hi-tech economy has left us in a bit of a squeeze… Jetson, you're FIRED!" Cosmo Spacely, president of Spacely's Sprockets had to comment. Spacely's Sprockets is an intense hi-tech corporation that builds high-speed mechanical devices. They have recently come to the RIT campus for a job rush, only to close their doors from new hires and co-ops.
The recent RIT job fair set an optimistic tone for those in search of work, but the results have been less than substantial. According to one student, "How the hell am I supposed to get a co-op if all they do is take my resume? Aren't these people interviewing? How the hell am I going to graduate?"
"Hmmmm, well . . ." Lumburgh stated, "We take the resume and . . . throw it out. But we dispose of it … in a way that . . . maintains a positive corporate image." Lumburgh suggested submitting resumes to INITECH online, in order to save the environment from all the unread resumes.
Other companies, like the Cyberdyne corporation, are following a different strategy: look to the future and hope that things get better. A representative from Cyberdyne stated, "We're not hiring winter or spring co-ops, but we're hoping things will turn around for the summer." Cyberdyne is well known for merging satellite communications with artificial intelligence. It's latest creation, Skynet, has been pushed off due to recent drops in NASDAQ.
As a response to graduation requirements, the RIT co-op office stated that students who do not fulfill all their co-op blocks will never graduate, and will be forced to pay off their college education for the rest of their lives as a custodian at the Radisson Inn. They suggest turning to an RIT co-op if things get tough.
"We're always looking for people to fix the VCRs." A representative stated. RIT also hires students for co-ops in fixing windows and kicking computers, which is a popular one with the IT department.
Computer Science, Computer Engineering, and Software Engineering majors also have another co-op career they can follow -- Visual C debugger. According to representatives from Cyberdyne, "We're always looking for more coffee boys… I mean 'Visual C debuggers.' Can't get enough of them." Unfortunately, students who do not learn much Visual C are less fortunate. "Mechanical engineers? They can eat my balls!" Cosmo Spacely commented.
Things became so hectic at the job fair that job riots began. Several companies were run out of the gym as insane students yelled, "Who let the dogs out!"
"I heard IBM was running a job raffle for $25. I went over and found the students killing each other for jobs" a fleeing student told us. Some special co-op tips are included for those still having trouble looking for a job:
Restrict locations to 15 miles around your home and RIT. Flood any companies within this radius with your resume. Then call them. Cry over the phone. Prepare to drive over if necessary.
Practice bending over and taking it. For additional assistance, go to the 3rd floor of the Gosnell building.
Outright lie and say you're a 4th-year Electrical Engineering student from Cornell.
Kill an employee at your target company and steal their identification. RIT will allow co-op credit if they don't catch on for at least 10 weeks.
Learn Visual C.
Don't yell, "Who let the dogs out!" near a company recruiter. Chances are they lost friends in the RIT job fair riots, and will be somewhat sensitive about it.
Stab your friend in the back for the job. Tell them he's actually a freshman, and doesn't know Visual C.
Prepare to transfer to a school that has no co-op requirements.
Draw out conversations with co-op recruiters. It will be the closest thing to an interview you'll ever get.
Take a break on the weekends and worship the Inconspicuous Can Of Beer™. It will provide additional guidance.
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