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In the REctal Engineering department, we have been striving to provide better customer service, excuse me, I mean, service to our students for quite some time now. We have increased the size of our student support teams from a goldfish in the bowl on my desk, to a student who came into our office looking disgruntled until we offered him the student services position. (Sadly, because of budget cuts, we will have to lay off the student employee and allow the goldfish to handle all the student needs next quarter.)

Our department has been struggling to keep faculty from jumping ship in the post "dot-com" era. This year especially, we have had problems with retention in the Anal Engineering department. We understand that the administration of the school has had far less trouble with retention than the Anal Engineering department.

Again, I apologize for the brusque treatment you have noted in our department. We will endeavor to improve the public image of the Anal Engineering Department.

Dr. Panz Tuft

Dear Dr. Tuft:

While Dr. Fingerpicks' comments seem unwarranted, and possibly in violation of New York State mental hygiene standards, we cannot take offense to them.  It was an interview, and I approached Dr. Fingerpick as a journalist, not a student. That explains how I was able to meet with him in the first place.  I understand your concerns in Dr. Fingerpink's comments in front of a student, but I was glad for his honesty.

I am sorry to hear your student representative gets the butt end of the failing economy. I am sure he will miss playing minesweeper on the office computer. On the other hand, us folks at GDT like goldfish, and we are glad to see it stay.

I understand that retention is a concern in general at RIT. Your department must work to improve it's anal retention rates if it's going to compete with

I am humbled to have impacted such a strong figure as yourself. Your response kind of caught me in the rear, so to speak. I send may praise in your endevours to apply some Preparation-H to the anal engineering department.

Rocko Bonaparte

Deer Gracies Dinertime Theater;

I haf' noticed commments in yur' publication about teh lack of girls at RIT. I agree. I am engineer and have hard time talkin too girls in general. I m very horny and have had too masturbate my hole adult life beacause I cannot git pussy. I now live apart-ment with 2 room mates dat' make fun of me because I ain't git pussy. They also hate me becawse I make my room smell all dirty and stuff when I masturbate. I try'd to walk to girls and offer em' candy, but dat' never work. I cannot talk 2 them either. Somebody wearing adidas pants always walks up 2 them and takes dem' away from me. I am a smart engineer, and I picked up on dis'. I started wearing adidas pants.  That ain't work. Now I look like everybody else with adidas pants. But I still smell because I don't shower after I'ze masturbate. And when I do take a shower, I masturbate. I can't help it. The faucet in my pants can't stop dripping. The fire in my heart ain't stop burning. You may notice Iam also poetic. I tried writing love poetry, but dat' didn't work. I don't understand. I Know you'ze all are good writers, maybe all you can tell me wat was wrong with dis' luv poem:

Whenever I see you'ze pass my by,

I don't know why dis' didn't work! This girls are so mean! They look at me all weird, like I'ze smell or something.  I don't git it. Like, 1% of RIT people are girls. It be ludicrus. And 90 parcent of dem' be deathe girls! I'ze can't talk to deathe girls! If Al Simone wants to fix them there student retention rate, he needs to be fixing this girl problem.
 

Sincerely,